Nickerson News

Nights are hard. Usually, as I lay there in bed my eyes start to wail up with tears. One minute I am fine and then the next I have this overwhelming grief that comes over me. It hits me so hard.

I realized when I rock Abel at night that yet again it hits me. This overwhelming sadness and the tears start flowing. It is then I realize how I will never be able to rock my sweet August to bed.

It hurts and I know there are so many out there reading this that understand my pain right now. I want you to know that I have prayed for you. God has allowed me to go through this valley for a reason and I believe one reason was to be able to relate to so many of you who have lost your children through a miscarriage. I never understood that pain, but I do now.

I knew I loved August, but I didn’t know how deep that love was until he/she was gone. Of course, when I first found out I had that fleeting thought of “how will I ever love this one as much as Abel”. But it was fleeting. I knew once I saw their sweet face that overwhelming love would come instantly. But last Monday, when the doctor told me there was no heartbeat, it was then I truly realized how much I loved this baby.

I was thinking about it last night. I love August dearly, but it feels unfinished….like unfinished love. I can not express all this love I have for August until we get to heaven. And so, I keep thinking about this “unfinished love” that I have for August.

I need closure and I hope it comes soon. Since I have not been able to miscarry on my own, I am planning on getting a D&C this week. It has been hard walking around trying to do my “normal” routine when I still feel “pregnant”. Knowing August’s body is still with me, but his/her soul is not. It doesn’t feel right and I can not get closure until I have truly miscarried.

Thank you all so much for the love and support you have shown us. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.

12 Comments so far

How beautifully stated…”unfinished love”. Having gone through several miscarriages myself I know exactly how you feel. Only someone who has been through this can truly understand. Our prayers continue to be lifted up!!

Love ya,
Brenda

oh julie…that made me cry. i am so so so sad for you. i often times think of you throughout the day, and think to myself, “how could i go on, acting normal…if i were dealing with what julie is dealing with…” (same for you, seth…i dont discredit your pain either!)

i think i rock isaac at night, longer than i should…and i sit with him asleep in my lap, longer than i should…i think i probably kiss him more than necessary…and i run to him when he’s crying, faster than i should…due in part to my miscarriage. when you have such a brief brush with life…when life is cut short far too soon…your senses are SO much more heightened to all that is around you. particularly the little miracles that we are blessed enough to meet face to face. august is no less a miracle than abel…august served God’s purposes so perfectly and so fully….august completed his/her mission on earth JUST AS GOD ordained….

praise YOU Father that when we cannot see the trace of your Hand, or Your plan…we can trust Your heart. and Your heart loves US more than we can imagine…and loves August far more than we ever could…

nickersons — you are in our prayers….

Julie, I have been praying for you and Seth. I do not understand the pain that you are going through, but I know it is real. I pray for God’s will do be done.
Hang in.
With Love and Prayers.
Jane

We are still praying for your hearts and for that closure you are desiring. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys!

Julie and Seth,
How beautifully transparent you are….To show us the depth of your very being…Your heart!
Psalm 40:1 “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me up out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”
Yes, you will comfort many with your suffering and God will be glorified. The fragrance of Christ will come forth from you to bless and help others. I agree with Allison as she so beautifully stated, “August served God’s purpose so perfectly and so fully. August completed his/her mission on earth JUST AS GOD ordained.”
We will continue to pray for wisdom and healing and strength in the coming weeks. “God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
We love you. And thank you again for sharing your heart and soul. Tish and Baba

Allison-So wonderfully stated. You put into perfect words, how I, too, feel about my beautiful little 16-month girl…holding her longer than I should, rocking her longer than I should, running to her quicker than I should, just basking in her beautiful existence…all because our heightened senses due to the loss of miscarriage. Julie- thanks for sharing such a heartfelt post. I pray that each day brings you and Seth more and more strength, peace and clarity. Please let me know if there is anything that I can help with post your D&C procedure this week. Love you!

Allison-So wonderfully stated. You put into perfect words, how I, too, feel about my beautiful little 16-month girl…holding her longer than I should, rocking her longer than I should, running to her quicker than I should, just basking in her beautiful existence…all because of our heightened senses due to the loss of miscarriage. Julie- thanks for sharing such a heartfelt post. I pray that each day brings you and Seth more and more strength, peace and clarity. Please let me know if there is anything that I can help with post your D&C procedure this week. Love you!

Julie,

I am sorry you have to go through this. God has a plan for everything and I know you understand that more than anyone. I will continue to pray for you, Seth, and Abel.

Phillipians 4:13 “We can do all things through Him who stregthens us”

Oh, Julie! My heart aches for you and Seth. I am praying for peace and comfort from the Lord to overflow in you. Our babies truly are such a gift from Him.

oh julie. this made my cry tears of such sadness for you. having not even experienced having my own child, i can only imagine. but, you know our prayers are with you!!! you WILL grief and move on. but take that time!!!!!!!!!!!

we love you.

Julie, I can not begin to tell you how true your words are. Unfinished love describes it perfectly. Allison stated it so perfectly. That closure that you’re seeking comes so slow and gradual. I didn’t find it fully until I held Jacob in my arms. It was then that I found true happiness again and saw God’s hand at work. For if hadn’t had my miscarriages, I would not have had my Jacob. I had a dear friend experience a loss last year and being there to comfort her made my loss feel like it was for a reason, to comfort, to relate, and to give hope to others.
My continued prayers are with you all.

hurting for you still Julie…this was beautifully written & articulated. You are a jewel. God will bring joy out of even this.

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Unfinished Love