Nickerson News

Thank you all so much for your prayers! They were truly felt! Yesterday, I awoke to this amazing Peace and I know it was from God. I don’t know if I have ever experience such Peace. Maybe it was that Peace that “surpasses all understanding…”. I have to say that every since I found out I was losing August I have cried every day, but yesterday I did not shed a tear. Not that I wasn’t sad, because of course I am still grieving (already cried twice today before 9:30am), but I know it was because this is what I was suppose to do and I was ready.

My D&C was scheduled for 2:30, but when you have your OB preforming the surgery and he is on call, anything can happen. I was all dressed in my lovely hospital gown and at 2:30 my nurse walks in and tells me she is so sorry, but my Doctor had to preform an emergency c-section and they had to move me closer to where he was at, which was another building. So I get back into my clothes and take a shuttle. (Of course, my dear hubby was with me the whole time.)

Once we get settled into a new building, new room and new gown we wait… and…. wait. Finally, my OB doc walks in and apologizes. How can you really be mad when he was saving the life of another child? So we think it is going to happen any minute, but b/c we had to change locations there is a ton of paperwork and calls to be made before the surgery can be preformed at a new location. By this time I am going on almost 24 hours without food. I was STARVING!!!

Finally at around 5:00pm they are ready to go. (By the way, I know Potomac Hospital gets a bad rap sometimes, but I have had such great experiences there. We had the BEST nurses. They were wonderful and so funny!) As they are wheeling me down to the OR I say “hey, I feel loopy” and the nurse was like, that is because we slipped you some stuff when you were talking. I started laughing and joking with them. We arrived in the OR and my OB Doc says “hey, let’s get some music on so I can jam away” and I was like “hey doc, you better pay attention to my uterus I do WANT MORE children!” HAHAHA…I was laughing and making jokes and then I was out. Don’t remember anything else.

What seemed like just a short nap, I was awaken to “Julie, the surgery went great!” For the first 10 seconds I felt so great and as I sat up to listen to my doctor I got really nauseous and all the sudden vomited all over him. I couldn’t believe how sick I felt. I have NEVER vomited so much in my life…EVER! And I really didn’t have much to vomit. (sorry, if I am getting gross, but it was an awful experience!). I had to stay in recovery a lot longer then usual because I couldn’t stop throwing up and my blood pressure was dropping. It wasn’t pretty. But thankfully, after a few hours and some meds to help my nausea my vomiting slowed down and my blood pressure started to rise again. Needless to say, me and anesthesia don’t get along. I hope I don’t have to experience that again.

After a good night sleep and lots of food later…I feel so much better. I only have a little pain as of now (probably b/c I am still on meds) and my mom is here helping me with my wild boy. Like you can really sit down and rest when you have a toddler!

Thanks again for all the love, support and prayers!

Tomorrow at 2:30 I will be undergoing surgery. I would appreciate your prayers!

So much has changed in just a little over a week. The weekend before last I would have NEVER imagined I would be getting a D&C. I was having the time of my life with my dear, old friends.

God has given me a peace about the surgery and I know this is what I need to do to move on and get closure. Today was a bit draining. I had my follow-up with my doctor to see how things were progressing and since they are not progressing he was kind enough to get me in tomorrow for a D&C. My OB doctor will be performing the surgery which makes me feel so much better.

My doctor sent me over to register at the hospital to get all my paperwork finalized for tomorrow. As I was checking in, the lady at first was cold and not saying too much. Then she saw what I was there for and her demeanor immediately changed and she slowly got out of her seat and sat next to me and gave me this sweet hug. Of course, all morning I held back my tears, but at that moment I cried in her arms for a few minutes. She sweetly whispered in my ear that I needed to cry and I needed this hug from her. She told me she had 2 miscarriages and knows my pain. I enjoyed my time with her and appreciate such sweet people in this world.

Since I can’t eat for 12 hours leading up to the surgery, I made us a big dinner and might send Seth out to get me some ice cream. Tomorrow morning will be brutal as I watch Abel stuff his face (breakfast is his favorite meal.)

It’s strange to think that tomorrow I actually won’t be “pregnant” any longer. As much as I need August’s body to depart from mine, it is almost like this better sweet moment. I don’t know if that make sense. It is like the final grieving part for me, knowing that he/she is definitely not with me any longer. I know his/her soul has not been with me for a few weeks, but since my body still thinks I am pregnant it is a constant reminder that I am still carrying around my baby.

I’m ready to move on and feel like my old self again. I sure know Seth will be ready to have is old wife back and I’m sure Abel will be excited to have his energetic mom back as well.

I’ll update you post surgery. Thanks again for all the love and support you are showing us. We are so blessed!

Nights are hard. Usually, as I lay there in bed my eyes start to wail up with tears. One minute I am fine and then the next I have this overwhelming grief that comes over me. It hits me so hard.

I realized when I rock Abel at night that yet again it hits me. This overwhelming sadness and the tears start flowing. It is then I realize how I will never be able to rock my sweet August to bed.

It hurts and I know there are so many out there reading this that understand my pain right now. I want you to know that I have prayed for you. God has allowed me to go through this valley for a reason and I believe one reason was to be able to relate to so many of you who have lost your children through a miscarriage. I never understood that pain, but I do now.

I knew I loved August, but I didn’t know how deep that love was until he/she was gone. Of course, when I first found out I had that fleeting thought of “how will I ever love this one as much as Abel”. But it was fleeting. I knew once I saw their sweet face that overwhelming love would come instantly. But last Monday, when the doctor told me there was no heartbeat, it was then I truly realized how much I loved this baby.

I was thinking about it last night. I love August dearly, but it feels unfinished….like unfinished love. I can not express all this love I have for August until we get to heaven. And so, I keep thinking about this “unfinished love” that I have for August.

I need closure and I hope it comes soon. Since I have not been able to miscarry on my own, I am planning on getting a D&C this week. It has been hard walking around trying to do my “normal” routine when I still feel “pregnant”. Knowing August’s body is still with me, but his/her soul is not. It doesn’t feel right and I can not get closure until I have truly miscarried.

Thank you all so much for the love and support you have shown us. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.

We found out today that for sure our sweet Baby August is resting in Jesus’s arms.

On Dec. 15 we found out that #2 was coming and on Jan. 15 we got closure that our Baby August was in heaven. My levels are now dropping, which tells us I am going to miscarry. Please pray for me as I am scared as to what is to happen next.

I told Seth I wanted to name our baby so that we can have a memory of him/her. We decided on Baby August since we don’t know the gender and I have fallen in love with that name.

I am so glad I was able to get pictures of my sweet #2. They didn’t give them to me the day I got the sonogram since to them my baby was already gone and why would I want pictures. But to me, these pictures are so priceless and so precious. I will always hold them dear to my heart. So on Tuesday, I ask if there was any way I could get those sono pictures. Sure enough my wonderful midwife called down to Radiology and within 10 minutes I got over 50 photos of Baby August.

I don’t know if you can see it, but I sure see a head, body and nubs and maybe even an eye. (especially, in the first photo)

I never imagined how hard this was going to be. I look at Abel now and am even more thankful to God for allowing me to mother a healthy little boy. I always knew he was special, but after this experience I truly understand how every child is a miracle and gift from God.

Right now I need to grieve and can’t really express any more thoughts, but I know I will be able to in the future. I kept praying out to God to please tell Baby August how much we love him/her. I know our baby is in such a better place and will be spared the pains of this world. But it still hurts so very much. The pain is so deep.

We love you, Baby August!

-Love your Mommy, Daddy & Abel